Pressing On

Life with an adopted 3 year old is the same as life with a bio 3 year old most days. We have our good days, bad days, joyous days, and difficult days. The kisses and hugs are sweet, and discipline is still given even though it looks different from the way Daniel and I received it as kids. The thing one might not expect from watching our family is the intensity of our life.

We don't broadcast the hard times as often anymore, because we are entering into the phase of discovering aspects of Paisley's history. No, we don't have many facts or details about Paisley's early life in China. However, her actions and moods are giving us clues to what her life could have been like and the different experiences she lived through. Though we may never know for sure what her life was like before becoming a Todd, we will always lean towards being overly cautious, loving, and compassionate towards her even during her misbehaviors. We are working closely with doctors and professionals who have experience in evaluating and helping adopted kids and their families overcome hard times and learning to heal from prior events. Their expertise is helping us interpret Paisley's behaviors compared to other kids who have gone through certain situations and shown signs of similar behaviors. As her parents, we will always protect "her story" and will support her as she grows in making sure she feels comfortable in sharing with us first and then, if she chooses, with others.

In light of this new information, I must admit some days I have no idea why God chose me to be Paisley's mom. I feel unworthy of the task and incapable of being the parent she deserves. I grow impatient easily, frustrated quickly, and force myself to show her love and compassion when times get hard. Frankly, my heart breaks for her early years, and sometimes I can't control my tears. It's all I can do to not build a fortress around her to shield her from any more hurt or pain. For me the hardest part is feeling helpless during the hard times. That's when my doubts scream the loudest, and I feel like I am not helping her but opening her wounds even more. It's a constant struggle within myself and a lie from the pit of hell itself, but it's a lie that I hear often.

Nevertheless I must press on just as Paul writes in Philippians 3 towards a goal for which God has called me.

Do I stop loving her? Not at all. Is my bond to her strong enough to fight through my doubts? Yes, but it's still hard. We are still building that connection and bond with her as our daughter. Even though part of our bond has come naturally, there is still a side that struggles. Paisley is still learning to trust us.

From what I can see, Paisley knows who we are and what it means to have us as her parents. She feels safe with us and does trust us to a certain extent. Where her trust with us is lacking is when she experiences things for the first time. In fact, it might not even be us at all. New experiences might be a trigger for her and since her trust with us is still new (having only been with us for 7 months instead of her whole life of 3 years), it might seem like she doesn't trust us. It's still a lot for her to process, but she is getting settled as a daughter quite beautifully. It's like she was destined to be a daughter, our daughter.

If we may still ask for your prayers, we covet them. As we have mentioned throughout our entire adoption, the hard part is now. As hard as the waiting part was, now is the time where we are faced with questions and unknowns. As time goes by, these questions and unknowns will be answered and revealed; however, new questions and unknowns will appear. It can be a vicious cycle, but we trust God to already be present in those times waiting for us to get there. He has already world out the hard times in order to reveal His glory. He has redeemed an orphan and transformed her into a daughter, His daughter.

Thank you to each of you for the continued support and prayers over the past 2 years. Prayer works, because we are a living testimony!

forming that forever bond

Every day life with Paisley is anything but ordinary.  We continue to build that trust and felt safety with her so she will know that her years of abandonment are over.  We constantly do things that are the opposite to how we think parenting "should be".

There are a lot of varying opinions about kids sleeping in their parents' bed, but Daniel and I have to remember that the way we parent is to build an everlasting bond with Paisley.  Outside of the adoption world, I am not a huge proponent of kids sleeping with their parents although there are exceptions to every rule.  All kids crave love, affection, trust, and felt safety through touch and being next to their parents.  It is in our being to feel these things.  The question to myself is this:  Why am I denying a child (bio or adopted) these important building blocks for years to come just because I am not a fan or it isn't convenient for me?  Part of being a parent is about sacrifice and raising children who are upstanding people who can make a difference in this world.

Every day I am faced with the real truth and challenge that there was a broken bond between Paisley and her birth mother.  As natural as I would like for it to be, our Momma-Paisley bond will never be as strong as the bond she was supposed to have with her bio mom.  Paisley spent (we only can assume at this point) roughly 9 months living and growing inside her bio mom.  Those are 9 crucial months I will never experience with Paisley.  However, I will spend the rest of my lifetime forming a relationship with Paisley as her Momma where she feels loved, protected, cared for, provided for, safe, wanted, appreciated, adored, cherished, and remembered.  And why is letting Paisley fall asleep in our bed a huge, big deal again?

the littlest Sleeping Beauty in her momma and baba's bed

summertime lessons

As a parent, I'm learning what it means to put my selfish wants aside for the good of Paisley's learning and growth.  Today was a day that I very much wanted to do what I wanted since it was so hot.  I do not do well in the heat.

Welcome to summers in the south where you can't breathe when you step outside and sweat started pouring down your back and off your brow.  Apparently children, at least my child, is immune to this stifling heat.  She loves being outside, which is a blessing, but also a curse.  Bugs love to eat her up, because let's face it.  She is too sweet.

Today we went swimming, which was lovely.  After we swam, she wanted to walk around the patio for a bit, and I decided that it would be a good time to water a few plants.  Paisley is a very good helper and naturally she wanted to help too.  My instinct was to tell her "no" since the hose was dirty.  Then I thought about what that teaches her:
-That I don't need her help.
-That I don't think she is capable enough to help.
-That I don't value her willingness to help.
Yes, she is only 2, but I try to think long term with her and how telling her "no" now will shape her into the adult she will become.  I also try to talk to her like she isn't a toddler. I am not a fan of "baby" talk and feel like for Paisley's sake she isn't developing like she needs to if we are always talking to her like a little baby.  This could be the reason why she is advancing so quickly, because she doesn't feel like a little baby.

So I decided that she could hold the hose while the pitcher filled up with water.  And she loved it!  She is so patient when it comes to helping me around the house and listens better than any other child, including myself, I've ever known.  I'd like to think we are "out of the woods" with Paisley feeling like she needs to constantly please us with the fear of leaving us making her following instructions as her natural behavior.  Orphans tend to obey every word their new parents tell them with the fear of leaving their new home or not being accepted into the family if they refuse to obey.  It's completely heart-breaking to think that Paisley could ever feel this way.

Paisley holding the hose in the pitcher as the water runs so Momma could water the plants.

After watering the plants, it was time for lunch.  We still give Paisley two choices throughout the day to help with her decision-making skills.  She is really advancing in being able to make decisions even though she repeats her choices several times before telling us her choice.  Today's "two choices" consisted of either #1 Sitting inside at the table to eat lunch or #2 Sitting at the table outside under the umbrella to eat lunch.  After repeating the choices a couple of times, she decided on #2 Sitting outside.

Ugh.  Yep, my thoughts exactly.  Why did I give her the outside choice in the first place?  I KNEW that she would pick eating outside in the 100 degree heat index weather, because she loves being outside.  Enough pouting, Leslie.  Suck it up and just eat outside.  In the late July heat.  While sweat is rolling down your face.  Flies are swarming all around.  Paisley is eating the slowest she has ever eaten before.

In fact, she was having a good ol' time with her ketchup.  Yes, Paisley, please stick all five fingers in your ketchup.  Proceed to laugh hysterically with the ketchup still on your fingers and start touching everything within your reach with your ketchup hand.

Again.  Another reminder, Leslie, to let her be a kid and play in the ketchup.  Clean up will come later.  For now, look at that sweet, smiling face.

Paisley and her ketchup fingers.

I've fought with myself more times than I would like when it comes to letting Paisley do things that I don't necessarily think are "fun" or "appropriate" behaviors.  It's a constant reminder that she is learning and exploring new things that she might not have been able to do prior to meeting us.  As long as she isn't in danger or putting other people's lives in danger, then why not let your 2 year old daughter help water plants and stick her fingers in ketchup?  The sense of accomplishment she will feel after helping and the smile on her face as big as Texas will be worth my stepping out of my comfort zone.

Leslie, have you ever seen a more beautiful or happy child?

Let's get down to the nitty gritty

Knowledge.
Wisdom.
Insight.
Discernment.

These are a few things that are gained when you go through life's experiences.  It doesn't mean that you become a master at any said topic of experience.  However, you are able to weed through the muck and see the experience for what it really is.  The lesson learned can be used to equip and educate others.

So that is what I plan to do.

It has taken me a few months to realize how to best use this new calling upon our lives.  We have transitioned from a couple who was waiting and completing mounds of paperwork for our daughter to a family who is trying to figure out how to function.

The adoption world is an unknown abyss.  It might be one of the most best kept secrets as far as the ins and outs of what is required to adopt and how much sacrifice is required once the adoption has taken place and a new family member is added.  Quite honestly if I knew back in November 2013 everything that I have come to know now, I'm not sure I would be as calm and sane as I was during our journey to bring Paisley home.  God has transformed me from the inside out to be the mother Paisley needs me to be for her sake.  Is He finished with me yet?  Of course not!  Are there more things for me to learn and experience?  You better believe it!  The great part is that He is right here, guiding my every step.

As part of our calling to help families who are currently adopting, I personally feel led to continue to share how our life continues to unfold now that we have Paisley.  I'm not looking to sugarcoat any of my experiences, because that doesn't help anyone.  Frankly, I would be a liar if I didn't share the raw and hard moments as we have become a family of 3.  Nothing about bringing a child with a traumatic past into your home is an easy task.  It is hard work, constant work, tiring work, painful work, overwhelming work, but oh so rewarding work.

As you read future blog posts, please keep in mind the following things:

1.  I am human.  I make mistakes, and I've had to learn to show myself grace more than anyone else.  We are our own biggest critics, right?  Just like any new or seasoned parent, we don't always see the best choice until after the opportunity has past.  Hey, we live and learn.
2.  I love Paisley dearly.  I would make 20 more trips to China and back if that meant that she would be mine.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for that precious little girl.  Sometimes I forget that she isn't from my flesh.  When I look at her, I don't see a Chinese little girl.  I see my daughter, and we don't have physical differences.  Plus she is the most beautiful and loving little girl I've ever known.  I'm only slightly biased in my opinion with that last statement.  ;)
3.  As easy as it is to make comparisons between bio kids and adopted kids, please know there are BIG differences in the way that I parent my child vs how you parent your child.  We have gone through extensive training about how to parent, discipline, love, care for, and help an adopted child transition into her new role as a daughter within society.  Though our experiences with our children sound similar, the way we love Paisley through difficult situations will look a lot different from what our gut as parents tells us to do.  Some look at adopted parents as liberal/free-spirited/hippy/relaxed/weird parents.  Trust me.  We are anything BUT these things.  We are very much in control of every situation (at least we are fighting with every ounce of our being to be in control) even though our helicopter parent techniques look vastly opposite to your techniques.  Again, we aren't experts with being parents to an adopted child, but we were trained by the professionals.
4.  Keep an open mind and heart when reading my posts.  I assure you that you at some point you will disagree with my logic.  I am not above differing opinions, but let's keep our discussions civil.
5.  I will ALWAYS speak from my heart.  I will promise you that I will hold nothing back.

It's time to get real and raw.  It's time to get to the nitty gritty and take a look at the "secret" world of adoption.




Disclaimer:  Just like every child is different, every family is different.  The way we interact and help Paisley is not necessarily the way that every adopted child is raised by his/her parents.  We are applying our training knowledge to fit Paisley's needs during each moment.