the waiting game and its torture

The hardest part about adoption is waiting. Waiting for the next step, next approval, to see a child's file, to know your child's face, travel approval, to hold your child in your arms. The thought of knowing your child is in a place that isn't his/her permanent home is enough to make you crazy with wanting him/her now. Knowing that your child very well could not be receiving the love and attention he/she deserves is the realization for every orphan. Knowing that your child is on the other side of the world on a different continent will drive someone to stay awake at night wondering how she is doing.

I must say that I have dealt with the waiting part of this journey fairly well. Maybe it was due to the fact that there were still so many steps left before travel approval and my focus had to be on the "now". Well, now it's time to focus on the travel, and the emotion of it all is really getting to me. Knowing that my child is in a place that isn't her home, where she belongs, is killing me. I feel like there is a part of me that is missing. She isn't here and something feels wrong about that.

Time will quickly pass over the next few days before we board a plane and make the trek halfway around the world to bring Paisley home. We have several things left on our "To Do" list that will help distract us from the pure fact Paisley is not here. However, as we get closer to travel the truth of the matter is that it will get harder to be without her. Knowing that she will soon be In our arms is the only thing keeping me going.

If I'm going to be real about it, I broke down today. For me the hardest part is having a closet full of clothes and not having someone to wear them. It sounds petty, I know, that out of all of the things I want is for her to be here so she can wear
clothes. But have you seen your child in clothes that are too big? Have you seen your child in clothes that he/she has worn for possibly several days in a row due to the fact that is the only thing for him/her to wear? The clothes in her room were bought and given to us with Paisley in mind. The simple act of dressing her in her precious little outfits is something that I am really looking forward to and knowing she doesn't have to wear the same thing every day (if she doesn't want to). My child has options. Now whether or not we will actually go anywhere in her gajillion different outfits is a different story, but she needs these clothes. She needs to be here. She has been without us for too long. She has been an orphan for too long.

Until the time comes when I will hold her in my arms for the first time, I will continue to dream of dressing her in her little outfits, running errands, having play dates, working through meltdowns, reading bedtime stories, refilling her juice, watching Disney movies, making crafts, taking walks around the neighborhood. These are the moments I am looking forward to the most.

Brave

As we inch closer to meeting our daughter for the first time, I am reminded of how drastically different her life will be.  She will go from being an orphan without a family especially a mom and dad to leaving everything she has ever known to live as our firstborn in America.  She will have a mom and a dad who will love her forever.  We won't leave her.  In fact, we will take a vow in China promising to love, protect, and care for her.  On some level, we have already done that on paper that was submitted with our Letter of Intent.

But Paisley...
Oh, Paisley...

I think about how brave she is.  She is the bravest person I know.  I can't imagine being just 2 years old without a family.  Granted she has been taken care of while living in both the orphanage and foster care, but it isn't the same as being with a forever family.  I'm overwhelmed at the thought of everything she has been through.  Then I am overwhelmed at the thought of her world being rocked to the core.  She doesn't know what is coming and that makes me scared for her.  In fact, I don't fully know what is coming as far as how it will all play out, but I know that it will be good.  And she will be good.  She will be cared for.

And me.

I am scared.  Scared in a good way though.  I don't think I would be normal if I didn't have some sense of feeling scared.  Then I am reminded that He doesn't give us a spirit of fear.  In fact, being scared about our adoption should be over.  As soon as we submitted our application to adopt from China, that is when the fear should have left my body.  It has been a constant journey, walking like the blind, with adoption.  As wonderful as our agency is (and they truly are), it's hard to know exactly what all is in store.  I can't believe we have made it 15 months.  15 months of paperwork, training, questions, answers, unknowns, delays, tears, excitement, and finding our little girl.

Has it been worth it?  Yes!

Ask me again when I finally have my little girl in my arms.  My answer will be a resounding yes.

You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music



And she has my heart already....

Paisley January 2015