the waiting game and its torture

The hardest part about adoption is waiting. Waiting for the next step, next approval, to see a child's file, to know your child's face, travel approval, to hold your child in your arms. The thought of knowing your child is in a place that isn't his/her permanent home is enough to make you crazy with wanting him/her now. Knowing that your child very well could not be receiving the love and attention he/she deserves is the realization for every orphan. Knowing that your child is on the other side of the world on a different continent will drive someone to stay awake at night wondering how she is doing.

I must say that I have dealt with the waiting part of this journey fairly well. Maybe it was due to the fact that there were still so many steps left before travel approval and my focus had to be on the "now". Well, now it's time to focus on the travel, and the emotion of it all is really getting to me. Knowing that my child is in a place that isn't her home, where she belongs, is killing me. I feel like there is a part of me that is missing. She isn't here and something feels wrong about that.

Time will quickly pass over the next few days before we board a plane and make the trek halfway around the world to bring Paisley home. We have several things left on our "To Do" list that will help distract us from the pure fact Paisley is not here. However, as we get closer to travel the truth of the matter is that it will get harder to be without her. Knowing that she will soon be In our arms is the only thing keeping me going.

If I'm going to be real about it, I broke down today. For me the hardest part is having a closet full of clothes and not having someone to wear them. It sounds petty, I know, that out of all of the things I want is for her to be here so she can wear
clothes. But have you seen your child in clothes that are too big? Have you seen your child in clothes that he/she has worn for possibly several days in a row due to the fact that is the only thing for him/her to wear? The clothes in her room were bought and given to us with Paisley in mind. The simple act of dressing her in her precious little outfits is something that I am really looking forward to and knowing she doesn't have to wear the same thing every day (if she doesn't want to). My child has options. Now whether or not we will actually go anywhere in her gajillion different outfits is a different story, but she needs these clothes. She needs to be here. She has been without us for too long. She has been an orphan for too long.

Until the time comes when I will hold her in my arms for the first time, I will continue to dream of dressing her in her little outfits, running errands, having play dates, working through meltdowns, reading bedtime stories, refilling her juice, watching Disney movies, making crafts, taking walks around the neighborhood. These are the moments I am looking forward to the most.