the struggle is real, but the payoff is unimaginable

Over the past year, I am thankful to say that I have started to find my purpose. If you had told me this time last year that I would be well into the process of adopting a little girl from China, I would have laughed and said you were crazy. It is a tall order to be someone's parent who you did not birth and to raise, care for, nurture, love, discipline, laugh/cry with, and spend thousands of dollars like he/she was your very own. Ha! That is quite hilarious just thinking about it now.

"What's that, God? You want me to do what?! How?! With what money?! I don't have the mental or emotional strength to do that. You have lost your mind, God. But I want a child who is my own flesh and blood. I want... I want... I want..."

After my doubtful rant to God spilling everything to Him about how I could not do X, Y, Z because of A, B, C reasons, He reminded me that I was right. I could NEVER do this on my own. In fact, Daniel and I together could NEVER adopt with just the two of us. It is through Him that we find our strength and motivation to begin the adventure of our lifetime...

Over the course of the last 11 months, Daniel and I have been paid remarkable compliments commending our selfless act of adopting. "You will be great parents." "Paisley is one blessed little girl to have parents like you." "She will bring so much joy to yours lives." "What a wonderful thing you are doing."

As completely flattering as those compliments are for both Daniel and me to hear (by the way, thank you for each and every one of those), honestly not one of them phase us. We appreciate them; don't get me wrong, but we aren't focused on how we can change the world. We can't take credit for this adoption, because honestly it wasn't our first choice. In fact, we fought for it to not happen at all. And I am ashamed to say that, because look at what we would be missing if we stood our ground and said "no" to God. This may come off sounding arrogant, but please hear my heart. Nothing about this adoption is about us and the type of people we are. We simply told God "yes" and "we obey" and now He is moving mountains. We give Him the glory through the good times, bad times, easy times, and hard times.

And the hard times are coming even though Daniel and I have been thoroughly trained about adopted children by reading books, watching videos, and going through countless slideshows. Separately, we have completed roughly 20+ hours of training during our home study process. We still have one more conference to attend before we travel so we'll be well over the 20+ hour mark before too long. For me the most surprising thing to learn about adoption is that coming home with a new family member will be more difficult than we can imagine and to expect for things to not be sunshine and rainbows right away. You're probably thinking "Oh, c'mon, Leslie. I think you are over exaggerating. All kids are the same and deal with similar kid-like issues. You will have to discipline with a firm hand, and everything will be fine." To that I say, "Will it though? Have you sat down with adoptive families and listened to their struggles with their new family member? Have you seen the hurt and love in the parents' eyes as they pour out their heart about not feeling like a good enough parent to their child?" You see, I have.

Most adoptive parents don't vocalize their struggles to the non-adoptive parent world, because adoptive issues are on a different (not higher, but just different) playing field than biological children issues. It's hard for someone who has never parented an adopted/foster child to realize that the misbehavior from the child is connected to their time in an orphanage/being abandoned. Furthermore, it is even harder to know exactly how to treat these behaviors since most adoptive parents grew up within their biological families and can't relate to how the adopted child is feeling. Honestly, it terrifies the stew out of me to not know exactly what my child will need from me and how I will be able to fix it. And all of these "things" that I mention aren't referring to the basic needs, but I am talking about the emotional and mental damage that has been done due to the fact that she was without a family during the most important developmental years of her life. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Why am I saying all of this? Why now? Why so doom and gloom? Why so negative? Because it is the reality that we may face. I am a fool to think everything will be "fine" and she will come to America, and it will be like she has always been our child. Do we pray every single day for the hard times to be minor and for Paisley to be "well" emotionally, mentally, and physically? You better believe it!  I have never prayed so hard and long for something in my life. And if I could ask a selfish favor of you, I would ask that you would pray for the same please. Pray for Paisley's emotional state, her mental development, and her physical health and well-being. Even though we were given a little information about her medical special needs, we won't fully know her physical needs until she is in America to be checked out. There is a huge possibility that she will face bigger issues than the ones we have read about from her medical file. We trust that her medical needs remain small and correctable once we bring her home, but I am scared beyond my control.

One more favor please. Could you pray for Daniel and me? It's been a long road, and we are closing in on our travel dates. The struggle to remain focused on the task at hand is a daily challenge. I am so thankful that God has revealed our daughter to us so soon, because we would just now be in the matching part of the process if we had taken the conventional way.

As always, thank you; thank you; thank you for being so supportive and full of encouragement! Your words and prayers are what keeps our spirits up and affirms that we are doing God's purpose. Just know every sweet compliment you pay to us, we send straight to Him. Our adoption isn't about us. It is about Him.