As Daniel so beautifully expressed his emotion about our adoption in his post, I'm sure many of you are wondering what my thoughts are about why adoption is the avenue for our having our first kid. The truth of the matter is that we didn't choose it. God chose it for us.
Daniel and I have been married over 5 years. Throughout the years, we have felt the pressures of growing our family not only from outsiders but from within ourselves as well. Having kids is a personal decision that married couples should make together and outside pressures shouldn't be a factor at all, but sadly, they sometimes are. For Daniel and me, the pressure we put on ourselves to have kids was much greater than any outsider could put on us. And for me, that was troubling.
Children are a gift from the Lord, and Daniel and I take that very seriously. Throughout my life, I have prayed for God to carefully plan and guide me to execute decisions for my life. Some may say that I am a control freak and to those who don't carefully plan/manage/budget their life through prayer, then it looks that way. To me, it's called praying/waiting/listening to the One who is in control of everything and I wouldn't put my faith in anyone or anything else.
Over the past couple of years, I placed pressure on myself to begin the process of wanting/becoming pregnant. Daniel and I have had several discussions about when we would like to start growing our family. Our answer would always be "soon" or "after we do this or pay for that". The desire to have kids is and was always there, but we weren't necessarily feeling the call to have children of our own at any given moment.
As a woman close to 30, I have dealt with the lack of desire to become pregnant at this point in my life. It's hard. To see friends who have kids or are pregnant and how happy they are makes me want to have what they have. I've thought too many times that there was something wrong with me. Why didn't I have the desire to be pregnant and move to the next stage of my life by becoming a mother? Thoughts of "maybe I am not made to be a mother", "children just aren't in my future", and "I'm being selfish by not having kids" ran wild through my head. I'm not going to lie. I was pretty hard on myself. For the record, I long for that desire to feel ready for pregnancy, but God has yet to answer that prayer in the way that we were currently praying.
And there was a peace that flows like a river once we realized God's plan for us. Up until our big ah-ha moment, we weren't praying for the plan that God had for us (to give us a child), but we prayed our own selfish prayer (to give us a child of our own flesh and blood). I can't describe to you the peace that Daniel and I both have when we think and talk about our adoption. Instead of giving me a desire to become pregnant, God has given us both a desire to spend 18+ months of our life going on a journey to find our firstborn child and making the trek halfway around the world to claim who He has already made for our family. I am humbled every time I think about God's plan. Essentially, Daniel and I are the vessels used in executing God's plan of bringing this child to America. Do you not think He has great plans already for this child?
As I mentioned in our "adoption reveal" post, Daniel and I have always felt the need to adopt. By being 30 years old when our application will be sent to China for their approval, Daniel and I know that this is exactly where God wants us to be as you have to be 30 or older to even apply for adoption through China. I hate to say it, but if we had biological kids first, then I am not sure if we would answer God's call to adopt, not out of pure disobedience to Him, but too many other distractions would be present. It makes me sad to think that I have prayed for something that wasn't in God's plan for our life (as in becoming pregnant first). And yet, I am so thankful for His answer of adoption even though it is not the answer we were expecting at this point in our lives.
Daniel and I fully believe that God will provide us with biological children one day, but He is calling us to adopt first.
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I love how honest you are in this post. I have felt the same way for years. There is not a single fiber within me that wants to "be pregnant" or "have children." But that does not mean I do not want to be a mother!! So many people do not understand that when I say it. One of these days, I hope to adopt a child that God created for my family :)
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